Antmaggadon

Three days (is it longer? I'm not sure) of rain has forced the ants that live under the grad student house, Ahmanson, to come inside. Ahmanson was built on an ant hill. Why? Why would you build living spaces on an ant hill? I have wasted much of my time yesterday and today killing ants with kitchen cleaner and the dish sponge, I am not sure how you are supposed to get rid of them - my method is not particularly working. I don't like killing insects but reasoning was not working - we tried that. Now I have a lot of ant blood on my hand. Metaphorically, I have washed them.

This is the second week of the semester and the first 3 weeks are devoted to 'practicums'. A practicum is a 3 hour workshop over 5 or 6 days in something practical. They are taught by CalArts grads and other 'young' (emerging?) teachers. I think its a great idea, it warms you up for the semester and you can pick up some skills. Grads can only take one practicum. I'm doing frame making - as in get wood and plexiglass and mount your photographs in an actual frame. I think its really cool. It also gets me into the Super Shop (woodworking/sculpture fabrication place) which I would like to use but have not really been in there to acquaint myself with it. I am also TAing (teaching assistant) studio lighting/medium format practicum. I was about the fifth person who was offered the role, but I think I'm doing pretty good on it and have actually been able to answer questions. I have quite a low opinion of my technical knowledge, so it has come as a total surprise that I know stuff. I only get paid $9/hour but it looks good to do it.

I need the money too. My scholarship money came yesterday. It was meant to be half the total amount but was actually significantly less. I think they must have deducted tax or something. It makes life that bit harder for me financially. This whole two years I am only just going to manage it financially and if I am honest it is a worry. I try not to think about it though. Good fortune keeps happening, I just need to hope for some more.

However, I am going to do a long term car rental. It sounds extremely decadent but saves me a lot of hassle of finding a cheap car that is safe and reliable and then insuring and registering in LA. I have really, really tried with public transport and continue to persevere. It's not good though. I do not feel particularly safe and it has taken me hours to travel across LA and if you get on the wrong train or bus that adds so much time on to correct yourself. Not having a car makes me feel very disconnected with LA and unable to easily get equipment and materials for my art practice. Its been getting me down so much that it seems that regardless of the expense, I would be wasting this experience if I did not get a car.

This is turning into one long moan. I think that's ok though, it at least is a counter-point to how much I love CalArts. And I do love CalArts.

My final point is really a couple of observations. Post-Husband time I'm feeling a bit Americaned out. In general I can cope with Americans and the kind of people at CalArts are on the whole pretty cool. But, I've been noticing the collective traits that seem to be on display in many people here, to a greater or lesser degree. I think that they are very LA traits but I also think that they are probably common to other American urban cities. The first trait is an inability to commit to one thought at a time - ADHD focus - talking fast, changing subjects quickly, never finishing a sentence, zoning out. It seems very childish to see in adults. Some people approach their practice and life in general with this ADHD focus. I am not like this at all and it can be alienating. I can feel un-listened to and out of step for being so committed. Having said that, it makes me feel like my most meaningful affinities are with the faculty, who all have very esteemed careers and are generally around late 40s and 50s and as a result are able to chill-out in themselves. I relate to their attitudes and behaviour much more. I think that maybe that's ok though, I think I am popular with the faculty and maybe post-CalArts they will be my network/friends. Having said that, the MFA1 Photo students are not very ADHD, its mainly either under-grads and other subject people.

The second negative trait is arrogance. Its subtle, but prevalent. It manifests itself in the way that people speak about themselves without the tiniest hint of self-deprecation or humour. Think about it. As a Brit, how do you engage with that? It is not possible to NOT be self deprecating, it is too intrinsic to our conditioning. When people go on and on about their fabulousness, personal connections, possessions etc it feels like a weird kind of bullying. Arrogance in shops and cars is awful too. The driving style here is really 'I'm coming through, I'm more important than you, gedoutta my way'. A general rudeness or inferring your own importance is de rigueur in LA. It makes my skin crawl as much as the ants.

I have to emphasise that not everyone displays these traits, there are exceptions and its usually very slight when I come across it. But at present I feel over-sensitive to this negative behaviour and see it all the time. Hopefully I'll grow a thicker skin. Anything, but pick the traits up...