On Reflection

Today, I am 31 years old and 15 days. When I was born, my mother was 31 years old and 15 days. My mother died when she was 51 years old and 15 days, 11 years ago today. From today, and for the next 20 years, I will be an age that my mother was at some point, with me. After that, I will have no maternal precedent. Phew. Talk about taking stock. I probably took too much stock. But, being away from my usual ritual (visiting the book of of the dead and kerb of remembrance at Hutcliffe Wood) with Dad meant I had to do something today to recognise the day. I went to the beach, to reflect.

Yesterday we went to the beach too. Plan A was always going to the beach - we were meeting Gerado, Marta and their daughter Paloma in Santa Monica. But, the day prior Gerado told us about a rodeo taking place that he'd just been told about and wanted to ride in. So, we went to a ranch near to the ranch we used to live at in Santa Paula with Gerado et al. It was absolutely scorching at this ranch. Bulls were hired for the day ($60 each), and we looked at the bulls Gerado has previously ridden, including one that took a gash out of his leg and his horse. But no other riders turned up! Perhaps the short-noticed didn't work for everyone. It was a bit sad, as this was the one thing we never got to do that we really wanted to do. So, instead, we went to a small beach in Malibu that we discovered through CalArts friends last week. And bless him, Gerado paddled in the sea with his jeans and cowboy boots on. A strict uniform that works for any occasion. It was Paloma's first visit to the beach and she loved paddling. It was lovely to see them all again, as husband became very close to Gerado working alongside him on the ranch.

Friday night was the opening of MFA Conversations. Its a small gallery, packed to bursting with art. Its strange being a group show with other recently graduated MFAs that I don't know. I couldn't help thinking how pretentious they are. A guy from a blog came and photographed the artists next to their work. It was totally cringing being asked to pose, and smile with teeth showing. The curator had initially said she was putting the price of our work next to each piece (now that's cringey) but fortunately, she created a price list that also had a sentence by each artist on their work, so it wasn't just strictly a price list. I don't know how I felt about it all.



I don't know what you leave with when you get an MFA in the UK, but here, this is what I have; in order to pass we have a type of exit interview, where a panel of 3 teachers and a transcriber meets you in your studio for 45 mins. You discuss your work and your two years of study in an in depth way. Based on this, your 'review' and your performance during the MFA, and your thesis show, you are either passed to graduate or not, in which case you are awarded an 'Advanced Certificate' instead of a masters. And if you do pass, you just get a masters, no grade. You get a transcript from your review, and, I did not know about this until I received it the other day, a report form from your mentor. In the interests of sharing I shall put my usual modesty on hold and type up some of the contents of this report, because it is a very useful document and something I know I would really have found useful after my BA (where all you get is your grade, for me, a 2:1, and absolutely no feedback).

Preliminarily blurb: The purpose of this report is to provide the student with an easily understood assessment of progress towards the future, noting strengths and ares for improvement... The report does not serve as notice of any academic sanction.
1. How do your rate your mentee's artistic development this past year? Did s/he mount an exhibition or similar project?
[Tallulah] had a very productive year. She deepened and expanded on her interests and put enormous effort into her thesis show - researching, writing, rehearsing, and performing, - all told revealing incredible perserverance, bravery even, and humor in and through it all.
3. Has your mentee attained a visual literacy and awareness of the cultural and historical context of their practice appropriate to current year level?
I think the emphasis of [Tallulah's] work this year tended to be more theoretical and conceptual than visual. I think post-grad school, she will be better able to synthesize her visual abilities with her, now more sophisticated intellectual concerns.
5. Are there areas to improve on? Are there specific recommendations for next year?
[Tallulah] is a serious and thoughtful artist. Her work has a great wit and a thoughtfulness and vulnerability that adds to its richness. I think that [Tallulah] takes criticism very hard and very personally - I encourage her, after a long, hard year, to try to feel more confident and satisfied with herself and how far she has come

All in all, my report is a really wonderful document to walk away with. More useful as a document to look back on, and for now, as my jumping off point, than a grade.

So, I don't have any children, but I have my MFA. And I don't have a mother (although, I know that she is proud), but I have 3 female teachers (Leslie, Ellen & Natalie) I am really close to, that I know I will continue to be friends with for the rest of my career. Maybe life. They really are very wonderful women.

And so, that's a lot to reflect on.

PS As I type this, KitKat, the cat we are sitting, is next to me licking her bum, in a kind of cat-yoga position, that until this week, I did not know cats perform.

The End Of Things

So, here I am. I've graduated. I'm done. I have not fully emptied out my studio, but all my books are boxed and are in transit, along with other accumulated ephemera. The our ranch home is vacated and our bags our semi-packed (we still have too much stuff!) and we are now housing-sitting on the Westside of LA until our flight home 29th July.

So, what happened?

Let me start at the end of school. Literally the Friday afternoon of the last week of school was the graduation ceremony. The week was one of those where you are madly trying to meet final deadlines and that. And I needed a haircut badly. My regular trim appointment was cancelled by the hairdresser as she was ill, so I had to go right before the ceremony. I was sitting next to girls getting their hair done for their prom-night in the hairdressers, feeling way too in the same boat! New hair; old frock. I couldn't find anything I liked for zero dollars in zero time, so I got out a reliable wrap dress and safety pinned it (I've erm, grown out of it, shall we say) and wore an under-tshirt for modesty. Champagne (x3 glasses) and strawberries reception. No alcohol is allowed during the ceremony, so tradition has it that first years smuggle you some alcohol. Vitamin water, with the vitamins emptied out and vodka poured in. Speeches. Line up, on stage, shake hands with the Dean of the Art School, Tom Lawson, the heads of department, other faculty. By that time, I was tired and emotional. I hugged everyone, told them I loved them (yes, even my teachers). Cut to the after-party. I'll conclude with a tableau of that: it felt totally filmic, like I could see the camera shot and the camera pulling up into the night looking down. Husband was there, everyone was dancing to awful music. Happy, relieved, euphoric and sad.

But that was not an end for school yet, we had a show at the ranch from the class I TA'd for, which meant I had to keep making work the next day, hungover and install the day after that.

The end of school was 17th May, but the MFA grad show opened 20th June, so, the end was not an end. The show went fine, I used my thesis show work, but redid the editing to iron out flaws (and because, I lost all my original Final Cut Pro files). We had a show opening, a show closing and a screening at REDCAT. The latter was very interesting. I edited my work down to a 12 minute one channel piece and it was the first up of the night. I had a good response to it.

And even now, in my mind I keep deferring the end. I'm in a show 'MFA Conversations' and another, 'Greater LA MFA exhibition'. The first one opens 17th July and there's a talk I must attend too, before I come home. The latter I won't be around for.

Moving back in time, I need to explain my hiatus. Blogging has helped me in a couple of ways, it's freed up brain space, allowing me to sort through my ideas and anxieties but its also been a way to maintain the dialogue with friends back home. What happened after my thesis show was that my brain took a holiday, there were, in a sense, no ideas or anxieties to unload. And what's more, lucky me, we had 4 lots of visitors that came out to the ranch. That sort of took care of my need to communicate to my friends in other places.

Of course, my tardy blogging absence is inexcusable. But I think its worth me making an effort to reflect now, and figure out what just happened. So, hopefully more from me very soon.